Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Darkness' Indecision

Where am I?  It's black, just so black.  I can't see.  I can barely feel the ground.  The rushing air felt like it was 30 below.  It did nothing for my balance or my sense of direction.  Sideways, I slipped across an icy surface. Where am I? Panic rose violently, breathe fast and shallow. . .slow down.  Get back control, one thing at a time.  Slow down!  The dark, so oppressive, ignore it.  STOP! Focus, what is the last thing I can remember?

We were going to my favorite Thai restaurant. The electronic red "Don't Walk" flashed adamantly as we waited on the snow covered corner. Our voices were given misty gray form in the winter weather as we discussed what we would eat. Jared insisted that I get my favorite dessert today, no matter what!  The light changed, traffic slowed, all vehicles' color shaded dull with salted grime.  Safety white flashed the walking man. I barely noticed its prompt, stared adoringly up into Jared's chocolate brown eyes.  His blond hair shone like a halo against sky blue.  I just knew today was the day! We started across 395.  I squeezed his gloved hands tight in romantic anticipation.  The world was just so bright.   Suddenly there were screams coming from behind us.  I looked away from happiness and saw a huge green truck, strangely clean, relentlessly careening in our direction! I shoved Jared out of the way. Then, laughter, cold heartless laughter. . .abyss.

The wind's frozen fingers pushed and pulled me forward to the rhythm of the fading echoes, evil's amusement at my fate.  Each shaky step took me further from. . .what?  I realized numbly that I didn't know if I was truly going anywhere. Except.. .perhaps. . . away from life.  My feet felt bare.  They burned with each icy step.  I felt forced across a glacier.  My eyes refused to adjust to the dark.  I stubbornly kept them open, hoping to grab at any sign of light, any change in the shades. 

Spinning cautiously around, my fingertips met nothing in any direction! My arms automatically wrapped around myself. Startled, I realized my clothes were gone. This knowledge helped fear work its way out of the cage I had placed it in.  My legs buckled from under me and like a child I curled up into a shaking ball.  Eyes slammed closed, ears covered, lips moved, "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, speak no. . ." A hollow voice chanted sardonically with me, causing me to pause.  Helpless, hopeless, I rose to greet it.  Death's burning silhouette remained genderless and shapeless under tattered robes that blew about it in gusts.  "Why should Death have clothes?"  I wondered bitterly.  My fear abated with that strange thought.

Involuntarily, I stepped closer.  Its surreal  light a welcome relief from the infinite night.  Could its flames warm me? Like the proverbial moth, I prayed for release from this existence, mesmerized by beckoning reds, I was denied. My hands touched nothing.  Disappointed, I continued to shiver uncontrollably.  Death, with its fleshless grin, pointed and turned.  Two identical wooden doors appeared. Though each had a different color light leaking from their frames.  The left one had a calming green-blue and the right had a warm orange-yellow glow.  Indecision wracked my soul.  What was the right choice?  I foolishly wanted to ask, but it was gone.

Finally  I sobbed and sat down in front of the doors.  I am sitting there still, tormented by the colors that teased they were both the right choice?  Like my life, indecision has become my hell, and the frozen dark tundra my haven.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Couldn't Cross

A child. . .of mine?
 would you
have looked like
no bigger than my palm
you came out violently
I barely knew
 you were there
I had an uneasy feeling
but ignorance was bliss
the pain of cramps
a rush of blood
tears and screams
of horror
you came out
looking inhuman
guilt of my knowing
you weren't
really wanted
there were three
in poverty
you would've
never known
you would've
been accepted
for I am not a mother
who could deny
an innocent child
so I bury you
in my garden
three feet under
should it be six?
I pray
as I place the rocks
that the soul
that would've crossed
the threshold to mortality
wasn't around
to know the pain
of loss
as you slipped out
too early
to know

Really? You think that's the answer?

Perhaps I am evil and jaded but sometimes I can't believe that people can be so damn blind!  Perhaps, because I wasn't born into any particular way of thinking and I was taught to look at both sides, I was taught to find my answers from a variety of sources. . .I'm finding other's version of the truth difficult to swallow.

Anything that has the hands of man involved in it, must be viewed as suspect - politics, education, causes, religion, money. . .hell, even love! You weren't a fly on the wall, you can't time travel, you have NO proof! You weren't in their head to know their true motivation, which I suspect is a simple as, "Let's control the masses!"

Please tell me you can't possibly be that trusting! Blind faith? Narrow-minded devotion! How the hell do you manage to choose to keep yourself so ignorant? Really? I suppose I should just accept that when you are presented with another point of view, another set of facts that you will still choose your comfort zone, simply so that you can sleep at night.  Good luck with that.