Tarnished Image

Your image of me is now tarnished
You can't forgive me for being human
I see what you see
it hurts, reflected back at me

Though you don't realize it
it seems the old saying,
"familiarity breeds contempt"
I feel it rise it in you
and I'm helpless to stop it.

Resentment rears its ugly head
How dare you judge me
When did you become perfect?
Perfection is inhuman, by the way!

Now alone, I wonder
where is this road going?
Do I want to follow?
Is there still time to repair
the facade that you think is me?

Shoulders shrug up, tears fall down
It's time to say, "Go to hell. I didn't
ask you to change!  How dare you
ask me to?!"

I am the good, the bad
I have the ugly, the beautiful
I travel like the roller coaster
Understand that we do this together!
Where is your self-awareness?

Soon, your image may be
as tarnished in my mind
as I am in yours.
Can you handle that in my eyes,
seeing yourself in return
reflection?

Somehow, I don't think so...

Order, please!

You can't help it, can you?
The need for control, the need for order
somehow it's genetically programmed into you

You look at me and know
I have half your genes
how can it be that I am so disgustingly
disordered?

I feel your pain come off in waves
the curses in Japanese start
I shrug
it's MY house now
not yours
and I will do what I want

I love my piles of
clothes, books
bills, food, mess in general
I know what's there
and it comforts me

Can't you just be happy
I'm clean
and just accept
I'm
just cluttered
I promise
there's nothing dead under there!

You look around
helplessly touch
I glare
"Don't!"

You beg, "Organize, please!"
I laugh
and you leave
offended
I still love you, mommy
Stop conditionally
loving me!

Beneath the Pools of Another Moon - 3

"An Extraordinary Discomfort"



"Honey....honey...." She wakes up in the nursing chair with a kink in her neck and completely disoriented. She felt as if she should be waking on the back of a galloping horse clinging to a man...to Eric. Jared smiles at her. He's holding a happily gurgling Silvie. Silvie coos at her and waves a chubby fist at her. Laughing, she takes Silvie from her husband.



Saturday is wonderful and blessedly normal. Grandmother's feeling spry and they all enjoy a walk along the creek, following it down to the ocean. When Grandmother's bones began to get chilled, her parents ready to take her back. Grandmother looks pointedly at her and Jared, "Be home well-before sunrise, you need to be in the protection circle." She hugs Silvie close to her heart and nods her understanding. Jared rolls his eyes. "We came here, specifically to watch the sunrise. I even brought wine and cheese."



Grandmother closes her eyes and listens. Her parents watched the exchange with derision and impatience. "No, you must be home. IT is waiting to take Silvie at any chance it gets. The moon is full. Its power is weak, and yours is unrealized, uncontrollable...please get Silvie home. Do NOT tempt fate."



Jared looks at his wife and child. A feeling of unease goes up his spine. "Okay, grandmother, we'll leave at 4ish." Grandmother nods, then says, "If you do not, then stand in the ocean, it will work the same. IT can't handle the salt water...hopefully it hasn't had the foresight to make any deals with the mermaids." Her parents are openly laughing now.  Jennifer wonders how grandmother produced such an unimaginative child.



"Jennifer, your grandmother makes me uneasy." Jared looks at his wife's deep, brown eyes with concern. "Maybe we should go back with them now." He reaches over and runs his fingers through her rich, auburn hair. Its streaks of copper glowing in the strong afternoon sun.



She laughs. "No, let's enjoy this and leave by four, like you said."



Jared looks uneasily toward the forest path. He senses something. But isn't sure what and why. He's also puzzled by his wife's lack of concern, considering her freak out the previous morning.

The concerns were soon forgotten when Silvie's squeals of delight from the playpen pierce the air. Seagulls waddling by had her completing enthralled.



At four, they bundle up and head home. The sun seems to be setting more quickly than anticipated. Jennifer is practically running home with the baby. Jared feels like eyes are watching him from the shadows of the trees. His steps quicken after his wife's. Jennifer yells at him not to break the salt circle. He dutifully walks over it and closes the gate. He gasps in surprise. He swears he sees a little man staring malevolently had him from the shadows. Shaking his head, he tries to blame it on the wine, until he sees Jennifer pale, eyes fixated on the same spot. He hears her whisper, "You will not have my child. I can defeat you.

Later that evening, Jared watches Jennifer toss and turn. Her eyes indicating that she's deep in R.E.M. Moans and half-whispered words escape her perfectly kissable lips. He's resists the temptation to wake her. It's been so long since she's slept in their bed. Grandmother also gave her some tea, mixed with lord-knows-what. As she forced Jen to drink the tea, she gave him a stern warning glare. He sighs, rolls out of bed and decides to take a long cold shower.

Muse 3: "An Extraordinary Discomfort"

"Gwenhwyfar?" King Ehrich waited for her to catch up. They were headed down to the dungeons, where he had ordered his men to pile up straw, several spindles and lock up her father. Gwenhwyfar quickened her steps to catch up to her King. He gave her a tour of what was to be her temporary quarters. Then then they went to her father's cell. The king restated the terms. Her father aged over-night. He lay defeated on his cot. The king was already punishing him for his deception and attempted escape. Gwenhwyfar thought she should feel guilt, but she simply felt resentment for decisions that the miller made, that lead her here, to an impossible situation. Though, horror lurked close behind because she didn't want to be responsible for another's life.

The king left her alone with a huge, impossible burden. He did not tell her that he planned on wedding her anyway. He simply left Gwenhwyfar trembling in despair and desire after he passionately embraced her and kiss her parted lips. "I will come to check your progress in three days."



Her heart broke anew as she stared at the mountains of straw in the next three cells. She climbed up the steps he considerately placed near the small window. She could hear a river nearby and the wind rushing through the forest. She began to sob, deep and soulful. Her cries pierced the air and caught the attention of an evil creature. He sensed an opportunity for amusement. Things have been slow and boring of late, since the guardians have been out and about patrolling the activities of the fey. They were upset at all the trysts that have been going on with the humans, the kidnapping of wee-ones being raised to do magic by the fickle fairies, it was weakening the pure magic of the Immortal realm. He mused, it wasn't that it was weakened, it was just the half-bloods and magically-trained mortals were changing the rules. He shrugged, the fate of the world didn't concern him, alleviating his angst did. He laughed; he could please himself and piss off the guardians at the same time. Following the sounds, he pops into the dungeon window, in front of him, the most beautiful mortal he's ever seen.



"Pray tell, my lady, how may I serve thee?' His voice floated soothingly into Gwenhwyfar's ears. She's rubs her eyes, uncertain of what she was seeing. She didn't know if to scream or faint. His glowing green eyes, his tattered blood-red clothing and sharp pointed boots, sent fear into her soul. She closes her eyes, figuring she was hallucinating from the exhausting ride and lack of food.



The voice persists, "My lady, what causes your distress?"



She keeps her eyes closed tight and answers, "My liege thinks that I can spin straw into gold."



The voice erupts into delighted laughter. She finds herself laughing with him and opens her eyes to look at the strange creature before her.



"No, no mortals may do such a feat. But my lady, I can and will," he coughs delicately, "Naturally, there is a price."

He tells of his demands. She is horrified and refuses. He shrugs his tiny shoulders and says, "You will change your mind." With a flash of light and smoke, he's gone. Shuddering, she steps down, stands next to the straw, grabs it in fury, then throws it to the ground and weeps some more.

Beaneath the Pools of Another Moon - part 2

2: "Fariq's Final Fantasia"





She sleeps, uneasily. Her dreams are of a hard life, long ago, of being a poor miller's daughter. She was beautiful, the most beautiful in the land. Her father was a braggart. He was so proud of her looks. He said she was even more beautiful than her mother.  Her mother, who turned down the Baron to marry the most handsome, dashing smooth-talking man around.  She vaguely remembered her mother.  There were no special memories, all she could remember was a sickly, cadaverous woman that made her father wait on her hand and foot.  She didn’t mourn for her when she watched her coffin being lowered into the ground.  She was only three.



Assessing her looks in the cracked mirror, a wedding gift to her mother from the Baron, she smiled. The Baron told her mother, “So you may look upon the most foolish beauty around.”  Her mother had thrown her brush at the mirror, cracking it, when she finally figured out what the Baron really meant. Yes, she supposed she was pretty, her hair was the color of spun gold, her skin flawless and pale. Her hips wide, desirable for child-rearing. But it gave her no joy, no purpose in life. Not since losing him. 



Her father actually pampered her to the point of helplessness. She was constantly on display. Any money he made from the mill, or gambling was spent on her dresses and portraits.  The house and mill needed repair desperately, but he was determined to keep her from making her mother’s mistake.  Although, he would never admit he was a mistake for any woman.



The miller turned away many suitors, including her childhood love, Jaroth. Jaroth actually joined the Queen's Navy and rose in rank quickly. She knew he did it for her, trying to be good enough in her father’s shallow eyes.  His heroics even earned him a modest knighthood. He came back for her, asking her father’s permission to wed.  She could’ve already been living a good, simple life with children that she’d love like a proper mother should. Jaroth even reassured her father that they could skip the usual formalities of the dowry. Then, Jaroth mysteriously disappeared. His horse returned rider-less from the moors, doing an errand for her father. Jaroth's loyal navy friends even launched an investigation, suspecting foul play. They suspected her father. But there was no evidence to be had. Her heart told her that her father killed him somehow. She wouldn't speak or eat for weeks on end. Her father kept telling her that it was for the best. None were good enough, rich enough. No, her father had ambitions of royalty. She deserved to be a queen. While she pined for another and her father was determined to whore her to another, for his own gain.



The years passed, her father was aware she would soon be past the marriageable age and was beginning to panic. He went to neighboring kingdoms with her portrait, hoping to lure others. His tales of her spinning skills grew in ridiculousness at each tavern that he visited. Soon her father had her spinning straw into gold. Bendrayl's knights, weary from a recent crusade, listened in amusement at the drunken miller. When they returned to the castle, they had the king laughing at the commoner's tale. Though the king secretly wondered if there was an inkling of truth to the tale. The Queen’s court of Vernizion, was rumored to have such magic.  Her last birthday was so extravagant that he rudely teased her, as to the source of her funding.  She merely laughed, flicked her fan open and glided away toward her King. He decided that he would go in disguise and investigate the miller. After all, if there was an easy way to fund his coffers, then he would gladly take advantage.



The king arrived in the modest town and asked directions to the miller's. He found a run-down mill and an even worse off house. He mentally kicked himself for his greed. As he was about to turn his stead around, he caught a glimpse of an extraordinary beauty trying to hang laundry. She was biting her bottom lip and wrestling with a sheet. He slips off his horse and quietly approaches. "May I assist you?" Sky blue eyes stare up into his brown ones. Time stops around them and silence abounds, binding their instant attraction.



The miller, stumbling home from his latest alehouse saw the richly decked-out horse tied on the post. He knew instantly that his fate would change this day. He looked over to the yard and saw his daughter with a handsome, noble-bearing man, in his prime. A man poorly attempting to hide his origins with a dirty, travel-stained cloak. He studies the quality of his breeches, the fine leather of his riding boots. He decides quickly how to deal with the situation. Make his daughter unattainable. For royalty always wants what it can't have.



Brandishing his rusty, old sword. "Sir, step away from my daughter. She is not for you!"



The spell was broken. The king steps back and bows low. "My apologies, sir. I mean no harm. I heard rumor of a girl who could spin straw into gold and I wished to witness such a remarkable phenomenon. "



The girl gasps her horror and sorrowfully contemplates her father. He ignores her pain, puffs out his chest, for he has told this lie so many times, it has become truth. "You are in the correct place, sir."



The king assesses the miller and the daughter.  He knows instantly that this is false. A liar father and victimized daughter.  He regrets that he would not have an easy funding for his war, but his heart has spoken. He would wed the exquisite girl anyway, but must cleverly punish the dishonest, opportunistic father without killing the girl's love for him.



"Fine sir, I am King Ehrich of the Kingdom Bendrayl. I have need of your daughter's services. If what you say is truth, then I shall wed her after one month of her servitude for the good of the kingdom. You shall be given many fine awards. If your claims should prove false, you shall be sentenced to death and your daughter will remain in servitude."



The father pastes on a false smile. He drops to one knee and bows his head in fealty to the King. "Sire, your wish is my command." His heart beating in terror. A plan of escape scrambling to form in his mind.



"Fine, I will take her now, and you will come with us. Go, get your horse." The girl glances desperately back and forth from her father to her new liege. Head down, she approaches the king. He takes her hand and sparks fly.  Gently, he turns her face up and places a light kiss upon her.  It takes all his restraint to refrain from taking her then and there.



They get on the horse, her arms tight around his waist, and wait for her father. To her humiliation, he is soon brought forth, tied. The king's men explaining that they saw him trying to escape. The matter settled, her father unable to meet her eyes, the party quickly rides away toward Bendrayl. A feeling of despair shadows the new love that glows in her heart.

Beneath the Pools of Another Moon - Fairytale

 1:  “Legacy of Smoke and Shadow"

Silvery, light shimmering through the thin curtains illuminates a sweet face sleeping. Wheat-colored curls sticking to a drool-covered chin. She smiles and a giggle erupts. Dreamland is good to her. Her mother reaches out and lightly, lovingly touches her daughter's face, unsticking the curls. She's reluctant to leave the nursery. There is an ominous presence outside the house, beyond the salt perimeter; she had frantically placed when she woke up that morning from a terrifying nightmare. It was so real. Her entire family watched in horror as she grabbed all the salt, screaming, "He's coming for Silvie, he's coming for Silvie!"



When she ran out of the salt, she hopped in the car and went to the store for more. Her grandmother was of the fey and had calmly watched the entire proceedings. She asked Jennifer to tell her the nightmare. Grandmother demanded a family counsel after dinner.  She regaled them with a tale of a long-ago neighbor that had lost a child when the mother had not heeded the warnings. Her visiting parents merely shrugged their shoulders. They did exchange raised eyebrows. She could tell they were contemplating putting grandma in a home and committing her to the local asylum, again. She had completely lost it, seven years ago, when her son was
still-born.



Moving to look out the window, pushing the curtains aside, she bathes in the subtle power of the full moon. Her eyes scan the forest beyond for the unseen threat, and then over the glistening ocean. A sudden loud, rustling in the bushes outside the picket fence overwhelms the imagined rhythm of the waves, drawing her attention back to forest. Eyes glow green up at her. She shudders and hopes the thin trail of salt-protection works. A tiny human-like shape steps out and flashes a wicked sharp smile. The four-fingered hand points an unnaturally long finger at her. It mouths something into the night air. Her brain freezes. There's a time-delay, like a bad dub-over, but she hears the message crystal clear in her mind. "It's only a matter of patience, dear one. I will claim the child that should have been mine, many lifetimes ago. You cheated me then, I will cheat you now. You will forget and lose diligence, and then I will strike."



She nearly screams as warm hands slip around her waist.  At the last minute, she registers that it is her husband, Jared. Jared turns her around and lightly plants kisses all over her cold face. A feeling of safety envelops her. Her body molds to his. He tries to lead her from the room.



"What did you see my dear? Is the salt working? Is it keeping the monsters at bay?" His amused tone angers her.  She balks at the doorway. She will not leave Silvie's side.



“Darling?”  She glares at him.  He throws his hands up in mock surrender.  Was he only humoring her, fearing for her mental health again?  He was there when she lost her baby and husband on the same day. Eric died rushing, trying to be there for the birth. It was the first rain on the season and he hydro-planed himself off the ocean-cliff road. Jared was the obstetrician on call, because hers was airport delayed while trying to return from vacation. He said it was love at first sight. But he knew it was the worst timing in history. He cursed fate daily.  He told her that when she broke down and was committed, that he despaired he would never be able to be with her, his true love. It took nearly five years before they crossed paths again. It was when grandmother took ill, that they met and she felt the love spark in what she thought was a dead heart.



It’s best to let it go.  She smiles and sweetly replies, "Nothing dear, just a beautiful fall night." She re-enters the room, sits in the nursing chair by the crib. His disappointed expression that she would, once again, not be coming to bed with him, hurts her. But she must protect the baby. If only he could believe her. That nightmare was horrific.  The creature that wanted her baby, it would take it to the underworld, never to be seen again.  The loss, she couldn’t deal with that loss again.



Grandmother's voice calls out, "Jared? Jared, honey, will you help me to my room." Jared loves grandmother and quickly heads down the stairs. She smiles in relief. Grandmother's timing is always perfect.

Inevitable

How can I explain
the despair
that comes over me
during the brightest of days?

Sun shining down on depression
doing nothing
to break the darkness that lurks
in the shadows of my mind?

A foreboding
that the truth is what
most would
percieve as fiction

You ask me what's wrong
and I can't verbalize
the pain
there's no logic to it

Just a 6th sense that
something
is ending
and I'm afraid it
involves you
perhaps us
A loss so powerful, it fills
the empty places in my soul

I ache for you
I ache for me
and then darkness
descends
and I escape into
dreams,
where all is well
and the daylight hours
are my friend

I wish
that it were that simple
and we could stay
but no
it is not our time

So I wait,
watching
for when the honesty
of the fates
rear their indifferent heads
and bring us down.

Sweet

One moment in time
I broke down in front of you
didn't mean to
for I like to hide

You're so sweet
trying to understand
the reasons you picked for me
couldn't have been
further from the truth

I laughed while I cried
wondering who
was really comforting who
I'm sorry I couldn't explain
but don't feel guilt
for it wasn't because of you

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed
by the cumulative consequences
of my past actions
and normally I am alone
not having to worry about
the effects on others

Next time, I promise
I'll find a solitary place to
break down
But, thank you
for holding me
for trying
for being
so sweet!