Stupid

Stupid
for falling in love again
for believing in a new set of lies

Stupid
for trusting that I could be me, good and bad
for thinking that you'd care enough to accept me

Stupid
for listening to your idealistic views of marriage
for hoping that you meant it to be applied to both parties

Stupid
for my faith in you, that you'd keep me safe, even from myself
that you'd always follow, even from a distance, relieved I'm unharmed

Stupid
for not seeing the signs in front of me that you didn't pick me for love
that I'm a tool to be used for another purpose, ultimate revenge upon another

Stupid
because I don't have the answer on how to untangle myself from my own ego's idiocy
so public will be the downfall, the victorious smirks of my enemies already imprinted in my brain

Dear God, Why am I always so stupid?

First

It's obvious who is first
and it's not me
When did I become so accepting
of second place?
What is wrong with me that I feel
guilty about being number one?
Lately, you've made me feel like I'm
third, a citizen of the sewer
and now
resentment builds
I know I don't put you first either
So why am I so angry
at the hypocrisy?
Perhaps
because mine is done on purpose
in retaliation for
your pure callousness and indifference
it's amazing to me how
you only have your point of view
The lack of empathy is killing me
I was dying slowly,
letting you asphyxiate me
but now
that survivalist
instinct is kicking in
and I want to kill you first
I want your soul
to feel my pain
As I plot my revenge,
fighting your smothering ignorance
you better hope
that
Karma
gets you first