Stupid

Stupid
for falling in love again
for believing in a new set of lies

Stupid
for trusting that I could be me, good and bad
for thinking that you'd care enough to accept me

Stupid
for listening to your idealistic views of marriage
for hoping that you meant it to be applied to both parties

Stupid
for my faith in you, that you'd keep me safe, even from myself
that you'd always follow, even from a distance, relieved I'm unharmed

Stupid
for not seeing the signs in front of me that you didn't pick me for love
that I'm a tool to be used for another purpose, ultimate revenge upon another

Stupid
because I don't have the answer on how to untangle myself from my own ego's idiocy
so public will be the downfall, the victorious smirks of my enemies already imprinted in my brain

Dear God, Why am I always so stupid?

First

It's obvious who is first
and it's not me
When did I become so accepting
of second place?
What is wrong with me that I feel
guilty about being number one?
Lately, you've made me feel like I'm
third, a citizen of the sewer
and now
resentment builds
I know I don't put you first either
So why am I so angry
at the hypocrisy?
Perhaps
because mine is done on purpose
in retaliation for
your pure callousness and indifference
it's amazing to me how
you only have your point of view
The lack of empathy is killing me
I was dying slowly,
letting you asphyxiate me
but now
that survivalist
instinct is kicking in
and I want to kill you first
I want your soul
to feel my pain
As I plot my revenge,
fighting your smothering ignorance
you better hope
that
Karma
gets you first

Grenade

She screams, "How do I deal with the guilt? Because it wasn't just me, you asshole!  Why should I shoulder the blame alone?  It's your fucking fault too.  I may have place the grenade in between us, but you pulled the pin and held me hostage as it blew.  Shattering us to the four corners." Her chest heaves and she retreats into herself, tired of how the pain of the past insists on creeping into the present, ruining any thoughts of the future. Then her mind, always finding the insane, muses at the ridiculousness of fighting in a bathroom.  She still couldn't believe that the rat bastard made another key and let himself in like he was a palace lord.

He looks at her, calculating the risk of pushing her further. The hole in his heart is cold and yet, he is hard, wanting her.  But she must be disciplined first.

"You are wrong, Reyna.  We could have gone on this way forever.  What can't you ever be happy with what you have? It's obvious you are cheating on me.  I saw the texts from all those men. I know you have a dating profile..." 

She interrupts his irrelevant accusations with her own.  "Shut up, Joshua.  I caught you on foreign dating sites.  I've caught you with other women! Red-fucking handed! I retaliated by breaking up with you!  Remember that?  Then I started dating.  You know it, you god damn hypocrite."

He continues on as if she hasn't spoken.  "I've decided I don't care about you anymore.  I'm returning to my wife.  I think I'll work it out with her."

Bitterly laughing, "Work it out with her?  WORK IT OUT WITH HER?  AGAIN? I can't believe what a sham your 20 year marriage is!  I can't believe that she'd fucking take you back, again!  How many women have you cheated on her with?  HOW FUCKING MANY?"  She's screaming again.  She can't believe that she was so stupid so fall for such a slick player.  So trusting, too trusting, everyone warned her of being so gullible.  He was a light at the end of a dark tunnel.  It turns out it was the flames of hell on the other side. "We have not been together for months, you fucking idiot! Work it out with whoever is stupid enough to believe you.  You'll probably have to go for someone 20 years younger instead of just 15." She snarls sarcastically.

"Reyna, I am warning you to watch your tone."  He advances towards her.  His hand up to smack her face.  Her glare makes him pause.  He stands still and waits for another outburst.

She remembers when she was in such shock. She found the pictures on his new camera of his ex-wife.  He claimed that he had an out of town business trip.  He was gone for over a week.  He texted her every morning and he called her every night.  He was so good, so goddamn good!  She went over to his place to feed his pets and water the plants.  Then noticed some documents sticking out of the filing cabinet.  She felt the ground disappear under her feet when she found the divorce papers unfiled.  Shame seared her soul.  Everyone knew, everyone knew way before she did. She wanted to throw up, thinking that she slept with him while he was sleeping with her. Thinking that he was on his way to marrying her. Bigamy, she would have been with a bigamist! That made her giggle hysterically.  Even when her memories reminded her how he had spanked her violently with a belt for daring to touch his papers.

He raises a superior black, bushy eyebrow.  "Oh the nerve!" she hisses.

He calmly tells her, "You know you're my first full-blown affair.  Please stop cussing or I will not talk to you.  We need to have an adult conversation." He reaches out to caress her and pull her in.  Repulsion propels her backwards.

Oh my god!  He did not really fucking say that!  She turns away and looks her naked body over in the mirror.  The gym was definitely paying off.  A smile spreads across her face.  It'll be okay.  Grabbing the eye drops, she gets rid of the red.  She's going out tonight.  She knows exactly what dress and killer heels. He doesn't like her sudden silent departure.

"I did not dismiss you." He grabs her and spins her around, keeping her from getting to the closet. He feels his control slipping. The spell that once bound her to him is gone.  He wants to eat his cake and still have it, too.  She shoves him off.  He grabs her wet hair and yanks her down, slamming her head onto the bathroom tile. Stunned, she moans.  His hands move around her neck, squeezing slowly, his eyes, killer ice.  Fear snakes around her heart and instinct takes over.  She knees him in the groin, forcing his head to slam into the cabinets.  Surprised he lets go.  She shoves him off and runs out of the master bedroom.  She reaches for the front door.  He's too quick, grabs her again, spinning her around by the shoulders and begins shouting while violently shaking her. 

"You ungrateful whore.  I took you from nothing.  I built you up. I lavish you with gifts. I take care of you, keep you healthy and beautiful..."  His voice went on and on.  Her head and neck hurt badly.  At least in his tirade he stopped shaking her and his grip is loosening.  Remember self-defense class.  She goes limp, takes advantage of his confusion, darts out from under his arms and runs to the backdoor, screaming for help.

He catches her again.  Hauls her over to the kitchen table, throws her down.  Sobs take over, as she hears him pull off his belt and begins beating her.  She can feel his hard-on and knows what's next.
"Please Joshua, not there, please..."

"Oh now you're remembering your place?"  He pushes against her, but doesn't enter.

"Yes, Joshua, I'm sorry, so very, very, sorry."  He backs up and brings the metal end down. 

"Reyna, you disgust me." 

The door bell rings.  He pauses, sure of his control.  "Reyna, go answer the door."

She grabs a blanket and wraps it around her.  She keeps her head down, submissive. 

"Reyna, do not disobey me. You know the routine."  Her shoulders hunch in response.

Opening the door there is a cop.  She mumbles the usual answers to all his concerned questions. It's obvious he doesn't believe her. He sees the freshly dried blood on her face, the fingerprints on her shoulders. The cop gently lifts her face, stares into her eyes and asks.  "Is he still here?"  Startled she answers, "Yes."  He pushes his way into the house, gun drawn, ready to set fire to the slippery slopes of domestic violence.  The suspect tries to run.  The cop chases and shoots him in the leg.  She watches and smiles. "Thank you, justice."

Rival

Stomach in knots
Hard to know what you're
really going to do
Unlike me, you're the master
of poker
and feigned indifference
Everyone knows my hand
and that my heart is always
on my sleeve
Sometimes I can't tell
if you really love me
Yet, here you are
ready to defend me
against the one
that years ago threw my heart
into the desert sand, willing it
to die
Surprised that the burning sun
gave me renewed life
Now he's just
wounded my womanly pride
trying to steal from me
yet again, my identity,
Threatening the love
my children have for me
he prefers me
in a state
of invalidation
His jealousy, his anger
that I found myself
and that you acutally see me
knowing that I don't need you
I simply want you
kills him
Yet what I sense in you
frightens me
because in his gamble to wound me
he attacked you, knives in your back
gun under the table
your ego suffers
How far will you go
to punish he, who is no one's
rival?

At the Bottom of The Stairs

You left me at the bottom
of the stairs
You said you don't love me
any more
Then you
gently
closed
the
door

Chorus:
Well, let me tell you
something
I know I'm worth more than
nothing
and if you can't realize that
then someone else will

I stood there
so stunned
Could not believe
you didn't think
I was the one
Now my heart is breakin'
knowin'
I'm forsaken

Chorus:

I turned to walk away
tears fallin' down my face
prayin'
that I can live
in grace
I know
it might take months
but I will get over you
and when I do
that's when you know
you should've
never
let
me
go

Chorus:

Now you finally
realize
that you did me
wrong
you want me back, baby
but I have
moved on
Please come back up the stairs,
you beg, no dignity
No thanks, I'll stay at the bottom
it's where new love discovered me

Chorus:

Tarnished Image

Your image of me is now tarnished
You can't forgive me for being human
I see what you see
it hurts, reflected back at me

Though you don't realize it
it seems the old saying,
"familiarity breeds contempt"
I feel it rise it in you
and I'm helpless to stop it.

Resentment rears its ugly head
How dare you judge me
When did you become perfect?
Perfection is inhuman, by the way!

Now alone, I wonder
where is this road going?
Do I want to follow?
Is there still time to repair
the facade that you think is me?

Shoulders shrug up, tears fall down
It's time to say, "Go to hell. I didn't
ask you to change!  How dare you
ask me to?!"

I am the good, the bad
I have the ugly, the beautiful
I travel like the roller coaster
Understand that we do this together!
Where is your self-awareness?

Soon, your image may be
as tarnished in my mind
as I am in yours.
Can you handle that in my eyes,
seeing yourself in return
reflection?

Somehow, I don't think so...

Order, please!

You can't help it, can you?
The need for control, the need for order
somehow it's genetically programmed into you

You look at me and know
I have half your genes
how can it be that I am so disgustingly
disordered?

I feel your pain come off in waves
the curses in Japanese start
I shrug
it's MY house now
not yours
and I will do what I want

I love my piles of
clothes, books
bills, food, mess in general
I know what's there
and it comforts me

Can't you just be happy
I'm clean
and just accept
I'm
just cluttered
I promise
there's nothing dead under there!

You look around
helplessly touch
I glare
"Don't!"

You beg, "Organize, please!"
I laugh
and you leave
offended
I still love you, mommy
Stop conditionally
loving me!

Beneath the Pools of Another Moon - Fairytale

 1:  “Legacy of Smoke and Shadow"

Silvery, light shimmering through the thin curtains illuminates a sweet face sleeping. Wheat-colored curls sticking to a drool-covered chin. She smiles and a giggle erupts. Dreamland is good to her. Her mother reaches out and lightly, lovingly touches her daughter's face, unsticking the curls. She's reluctant to leave the nursery. There is an ominous presence outside the house, beyond the salt perimeter; she had frantically placed when she woke up that morning from a terrifying nightmare. It was so real. Her entire family watched in horror as she grabbed all the salt, screaming, "He's coming for Silvie, he's coming for Silvie!"



When she ran out of the salt, she hopped in the car and went to the store for more. Her grandmother was of the fey and had calmly watched the entire proceedings. She asked Jennifer to tell her the nightmare. Grandmother demanded a family counsel after dinner.  She regaled them with a tale of a long-ago neighbor that had lost a child when the mother had not heeded the warnings. Her visiting parents merely shrugged their shoulders. They did exchange raised eyebrows. She could tell they were contemplating putting grandma in a home and committing her to the local asylum, again. She had completely lost it, seven years ago, when her son was
still-born.



Moving to look out the window, pushing the curtains aside, she bathes in the subtle power of the full moon. Her eyes scan the forest beyond for the unseen threat, and then over the glistening ocean. A sudden loud, rustling in the bushes outside the picket fence overwhelms the imagined rhythm of the waves, drawing her attention back to forest. Eyes glow green up at her. She shudders and hopes the thin trail of salt-protection works. A tiny human-like shape steps out and flashes a wicked sharp smile. The four-fingered hand points an unnaturally long finger at her. It mouths something into the night air. Her brain freezes. There's a time-delay, like a bad dub-over, but she hears the message crystal clear in her mind. "It's only a matter of patience, dear one. I will claim the child that should have been mine, many lifetimes ago. You cheated me then, I will cheat you now. You will forget and lose diligence, and then I will strike."



She nearly screams as warm hands slip around her waist.  At the last minute, she registers that it is her husband, Jared. Jared turns her around and lightly plants kisses all over her cold face. A feeling of safety envelops her. Her body molds to his. He tries to lead her from the room.



"What did you see my dear? Is the salt working? Is it keeping the monsters at bay?" His amused tone angers her.  She balks at the doorway. She will not leave Silvie's side.



“Darling?”  She glares at him.  He throws his hands up in mock surrender.  Was he only humoring her, fearing for her mental health again?  He was there when she lost her baby and husband on the same day. Eric died rushing, trying to be there for the birth. It was the first rain on the season and he hydro-planed himself off the ocean-cliff road. Jared was the obstetrician on call, because hers was airport delayed while trying to return from vacation. He said it was love at first sight. But he knew it was the worst timing in history. He cursed fate daily.  He told her that when she broke down and was committed, that he despaired he would never be able to be with her, his true love. It took nearly five years before they crossed paths again. It was when grandmother took ill, that they met and she felt the love spark in what she thought was a dead heart.



It’s best to let it go.  She smiles and sweetly replies, "Nothing dear, just a beautiful fall night." She re-enters the room, sits in the nursing chair by the crib. His disappointed expression that she would, once again, not be coming to bed with him, hurts her. But she must protect the baby. If only he could believe her. That nightmare was horrific.  The creature that wanted her baby, it would take it to the underworld, never to be seen again.  The loss, she couldn’t deal with that loss again.



Grandmother's voice calls out, "Jared? Jared, honey, will you help me to my room." Jared loves grandmother and quickly heads down the stairs. She smiles in relief. Grandmother's timing is always perfect.

Inevitable

How can I explain
the despair
that comes over me
during the brightest of days?

Sun shining down on depression
doing nothing
to break the darkness that lurks
in the shadows of my mind?

A foreboding
that the truth is what
most would
percieve as fiction

You ask me what's wrong
and I can't verbalize
the pain
there's no logic to it

Just a 6th sense that
something
is ending
and I'm afraid it
involves you
perhaps us
A loss so powerful, it fills
the empty places in my soul

I ache for you
I ache for me
and then darkness
descends
and I escape into
dreams,
where all is well
and the daylight hours
are my friend

I wish
that it were that simple
and we could stay
but no
it is not our time

So I wait,
watching
for when the honesty
of the fates
rear their indifferent heads
and bring us down.